I’m pregnant from a train wreck

Nov. 4, 2020: My plush mascot husky has now been invested with unconditional doggie-like loyalty to personal and global peace, to life, laughter and love, to the heart that even when blue is still a heart, and to welcoming generosity toward all people and situations. The bracelet he wears was made by a homeless woman, given to me when I delivered church potluck leftovers to her shelter. His name is OM and reflects back to me the message that I am never separate from the “all that is” of the Universe/Nature/Love/God.

Later, Nov. 4: I couldn’t get my camera fast enough, so this is a comparable photo from the internet to represent the majestic 4-point buck that sauntered majestically through our back yard yesterday, in and out over 6′ fences with the ease, grace and confidence of an alpha male.

I am reminded of a time when, after watching an entire herd of deer peacefully grazing, a squirrel seemed to say to me that I could not see the grace, beauty and power of the deer if I did not already have those qualities myself. This visitation by a leader has blown my mind with its possible deeper significance.

Nov. 10, 2020: About 4 PM yesterday, my heart was gripped with panic in the middle of Trader Joe’s. I had to get out of there, out of the hustle and bustle, stop wandering, stop browsing, just find a place of calm ASAP to discern what was happening to me! Facing my 77th birthday, not wanting to face it, dreading the pathology report on the skin sample from my outer ear, frustrated with a body slowly crumbling around the edges, feeling ashamed of all my character defects and what I imagined to be an empty legacy, not wanting to celebrate with family, wanting to hide, run, disappear. It was awful.

Valerie took one look at my face when I got home and asked, “Are you OK?” I didn’t know what to say, being put on the spot like that. Of course, I’m OK, nothing serious, just the train wreck in my mind! I am mortal, the clock is ticking, what else will fall apart suddenly? Oh dear, what a way to fall asleep!

So I woke up as usual at 5, grateful for 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep, no trips to the toilet, and prepared myself mentally for my normal session of prayer and meditation. Except I was not feeling normal, I was still worried, fending off the self-pity racket. I wondered if I should skip my normal ritual of the same four prayers and just speak from my heart, qualifying that thought with another, that Universe/Nature/Love/God knows better than I what is in my heart. 

“Bismallah,” I thought, we begin anew in the name of Allah, and I lit the oil lamp and incense,  did my regular four prayers: surrender, healing for myself, healing for the world, and to be an instrument of peace. Then I launched into breathing in and out “Abwoon,” the Aramaic first word of the Lord’s Prayer*, which always seems to have a life of its own. 

After about two or three cycles, very early, I fell silent. Almost immediately, I felt a message without words: I’m pregnant! I am a creative channel for yet-to-be-contributions to this world. The possibilities are endless and will only come through me if I breathe and relax, breathe and relax. Pushing will come by itself, in brief spasms, and only when necessary. I do not need to push the river, I can swim in it, I can float. I am safe. I can let go of the shore. Ideas I’ve known for a decade, now imprinted more deeply.

I do not know, I cannot know, what miraculous creation will be born, and I must give up the struggle to find out. I knew that already, but to accept that I am pregnant right now, today, on my 77th birthday, was to receive a gift beyond my wildest expectations. I am not the same person I was yesterday. 

“I don’t know,
I’ve given up the struggle to find out,
I have no opinion,
I have nowhere to go, nothing to do,
I’m taking OM with me,
Into my heart in silence to hear the Calling
To show my children,
To be lovable, joyful and peaceful.”

And so I begin again, Bismallah, one day at a time, propelled by the river, grateful for the rocks and trees that keep the river in its course, enjoying the free fall of cascading events from one precipice to the next, looking forward to the final dissolution into the Ocean of Love.

This is it, this is what I know and feel today, the doorway to my 78th year in this body on this planet. We are all pregnant.

ABWOON: the first word of what is commonly referred to as the Lord’s Prayer, as it would be spoken in the Aramaic language of Jesus.

  • each letter, each sound was considered by Jewish mystics to have its own being or energy with direction and purpose, sometimes referred to as angels (Prayers of the Cosmos, Neil Douglas-Klotz)
  • A-Bw-Oo-N = the original blessing at the beginning of creation
    • A = the absolute, the One, the only being
    • Bw = birth through sound, vibration
    • Oo = breath, change that is constant
    • N = a new possibility in each moment
  • Practice: breathing deep into lower abdomen
    • inhaling, make sound “Ah…..”
    • exhaling, intone “Bwoon,” vibrating lips for a soft “B”
    • coordinating breath with movement, alternating:
      • with “Ah” — position of acceptance, arms open, palms up
      • with “Bwoon” — position of humility, right hand over left over heart, leaning forward slightly

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