Out of control

Today my thoughts are with the lies spun into the void by people who imagine themselves to be leaders, their critics, or their many deluded accomplices. This Tower of Babble has overtaken the internet and I do not trust it. 

It may be the ultimate revelation of this time — this apocalyptic “aha!” moment — to know that we, collectively and as individuals, lie to ourselves constantly. I know I have convinced myself of the most outrageous rationalizations, the greatest of which has been the worship of my mental ability to “figure it out” — to use logic, science and material objects as proof of concepts. It’s called confirmation bias. All bias is deceptive; that is its definition.

There is no way to mentally design an escape from inflation, stagflation, sociopathic narcissists, weather-related disasters, pandemics (yes, plural!), or even death itself. We are all on death row, and I recently discovered that I  have not mentally prepared myself to die.

Nor did I mentally prepare myself to be born. I generalize, of course, from my own personal experience of a guided re-birthing, and I leave it for you to find some resonance with that statement. I believe we are all on birth row, in line for neo-natal care and starting over — again — from square one.

It seems to me that I am being pushed, like it or not, through the death/birth canal, the proverbial eye of the needle, and it is completely beyond my control. I do not get to decide when, where, or how fast I experience this process. I can, however, decide to dive into it wholeheartedly (a word favored by Brené Brown) with genuine courage from the heart, courage derived from a sense of belonging and connection with other people, with the planet, and with the entire Universe. 

Setting aside my opinions and judgements, setting aside my fears and objections, setting aside my material comforts, acknowledging their presence yet not giving them power, I feel like I am literally flying into not knowing what might happen next. Maybe I am losing my mind and gaining my heart, or at least discovering a harmonious balance between them.

After my recent rebirthing (the third in my life) my mind was left to observe with awe, wonder and gratitude the journey being created by my heart. No longer imprisoned by fixed ideas about “reality” or “truth,” my heart has a new kind of wisdom. I have a better sense of when I am lying to myself.

Letting go of my mental control of reality, then, is both the process and the only goal on which I wish to focus. In the past I have used some substance or activity as a temporary helper, yet the side-effects and disappointment in any long-term desirable results were significant, simply because they were yet again an attempt to control the process. 

The wilderness is calling me to wander within. My strategy now is to trust the process, only ask really deep questions, and place my heart at the center of my life. 💟

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