Sink or swim

You might not watch this video. After all, who has 19 minutes for a talking head when the world is going to hell in a hand basket? Well, I only needed 8 minutes to “get it,” what Joe Dispenza is saying.

I would use different words for the people of my generation, really completely different words. I would talk about “the bottle, the gun, and a higher power” in order to get across the message of joy resulting from letting go of my past, in which anger was my Operating System, suicide or homicide were always options waiting in the background, and I numbed myself blind with alcohol and drugs.

Nobody outside of myself has the power to heal my wounds, soothe my soul, turn on the lights, a power that I alone possess.

This morning at 2:30 AM I let go of my past one more time in a way that seems truly miraculous to me. For weeks I had been suffering shame and depression, in spite of all the internal work I had been doing for 37 years, work that has blessed my life with wonderful serenity and loving relationships. I had relapsed, yet again, like a toddler still learning to walk by falling on my face, and this time I was bleeding.

Strangely enough, during this same period of time I was experiencing excruciating headaches on the left side of my head. Yesterday I called my dentist for an exam because it finally seemed to be entering a crisis centered on the gums behind my upper left molars. A few hours later, I touched that area with my finger and whaddyaknow! I felt the tip of an emerging wisdom tooth, and noticed the pain subsiding. Literally, a “breakthrough” moment!

So, like a planetary alignment, about 8 hours later I wake up and wisdom is talking to me in my head. Really? A wisdom tooth and real wisdom occurring simultaneously? Life can be amazing at times. I get so excited I cannot sleep and need to get up, turn on the light and write what I just learned, before I forget.

The behavioral-mental-emotional-spiritual Operating System that I unconsciously inherited from my parents just as surely I inherited their DNA is always available as a fallback, fail-safe strategy when nothing else seems to work, which is certainly what was happening since the beginning of October. Misery was my sidekick, and I was blaming someone else.

The breakthrough? I was doing this to myself! To put it differently, absolutely nobody outside of myself — no doctor, no therapist, no guru — has the power to heal my wounds, soothe my soul, turn on the lights, a power that I alone possess. I am the one and only one who can make the choice to update my Operating System — literally change my DNA!

Or, as Dr. Joe puts it, change from particle to wave, get into the flow, swim in it, become the Ocean itself, the quantum field, and free myself from my past as well as the past of other people who would shame me and invite me to blame them. Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle, so many others, even Jesus, said the same thing: be here now. Three little words, so far away sometimes, yet always available and usually not chosen until I get smacked up the left side of the head.

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